Bittersweet

Thanks to all who have lovingly inquired about our adoption.  I realized tonight that I posted the grand total for our adoption auction on Facebook but not here.  Due to the generosity of our donors  bidders, we raised $5,000!!!  That brings us to a grand total of $13,000 - over half way!!!  We could not be more grateful.

It has taken me about six weeks to gather the courage to put this next part in writing: our adoption will be delayed another year.

Wes' mold toxicity diagnosis changed our lives for the better.  After 5 years of suffering, his diagnosis led to healing.  We had a great summer and fall - I finally had my husband back!  Wes returned to work this fall and loved the new career he started with Coors.

Sadly in mid-November, Wes injured his back, which resulted in a bulging and ruptured disc.  In theory, his first career as a butcher weakened his lower back.  Because of his height, he spent a lot of time hunched over.  He has had a pinched nerve in that area several times, but rest and chiropractic care took care of it in a matter of days.

This time around, days led to weeks...which have turned into months.  Chiropractic care,
acupuncture, PT, steroid injections...nothing has brought relief.  After overcoming so much, this injury has been DEVASTATING.  Before Wes' mold toxicity diagnosis, we had come to terms with the fact that life would always be hard, Wes would always be sick.  His diagnosis and subsequent treatment brought healing and hope.  We began to dream again.  Black and white turned into color.  Each hope and dream felt like the building blocks of our new life.  Wes' unrelenting back injury knocked that tower down.

I love Wes so much and I long to see him thrive again.  I long for this burden to be lifted.  The constant pain and restrictions chip away at him daily.  He longs to provide, serve, and play.

So what does this have to do with postponing our adoption another year?

1. We need two healthy parents.

2. The financial impact of Wes not working and of his medical bills has been significant.

3. I am working too much right how to even think about bringing another kiddo into our lives.

I would like to go a little deeper.  On January 8, I went to our weekly church plant gathering.  James must have been with my parents and Wes stayed home due to pain.  As we sang worship songs and prayed, silent tears rolled down my face.  Then someone prayed specifically for us and the flood gates opened.  I began to full body sob. And I could not stop.  The sorrow and the stress all poured out at once.  Our dear friends lavished love and support upon me.  Once everyone else went into another part of the house to eat, Hannah (one of my best friends) sat with me as I gushed.  I shared with her our immediate needs.  I cannot articulate how difficult it is to be in a season of need for so long.  In my experience, it is easier to serve than to need helper over and over and over again.

At 11:00pm that night Hannah called.  She stated that she and her husband Sean (one of Wes' best friends) wanted us to move in with them.  They offered to build a kitchenette in their basement so we could catch up financially.  I wish I had words to describe how I felt: relieved, grateful, excited, hopeful.  But one thing saddened me: we could not do our home study while living with them.  Of course I knew we would have to wait until Wes' back to heal, but moving meant definitely waiting.  I cannot find any research to support this, but my body felt like I had experienced a pregnancy loss.  I wish I knew how to describe it, but I experienced physical and emotional symptoms.  My mind, heart, and body thought a baby would arrive soon, and then loss struck.

What I view as obstacles, God uses to direct our path.  Each "obstacle" will determine which baby joins our family.  Pretty incredible.

So we move April 15.  My gratitude far outweighs my sadness.  We have INCREDIBLE friends.  What a beautiful picture of the body of Christ.

My parents, Wes' mom, my uncle and aunt, and countless friends have carried us during this time.  And despite the turmoil, God continues to fill me with hope.

Please pray for Wes.  Of course he feels "at fault", which is absolutely not true.  Even as I read back through my post, I fear that I have painted that picture.  Wes did not cause this injury in any way and he has done everything in his power to restore his health.

And please pray for James' heart.  He yearns to be a big brother.  It saddens him greatly for our adoption to be postponed.  I often wonder if we should have kept more of this from him to protect him.

Thank you all for your love and support.  I cannot articulate how much it means.